I gave him my heart

 The first time I got married

I don't think I ever gave my heart

not all of it

I never fell

I never was in love with him,

I'm pretty sure

I was just in love with the way he treated me

I was a selfish, spoiled girl

and let him love me

and then I had my daughter

and I gave her my heart instead

and after two more babies

my heart was full of them

and I knew what love felt like

and I realized I didn't love him like I should

that my heart had never fallen

it seemed so sad

and then

and then I met the second man I married

and I gave him my heart

slowly

I didn't fall like off a cliff

but through little things

I gave him more each day

and eventually

I felt safe

and home

and loved

and I opened up my chest

and poured my heart out into his hands

and trusted him with all of me

all that I am 

all that I felt

all that I dreamed

and he took my heart into his hands 

saying words of love

words of kindness and giving 

all the words my soul ached for

he said all the right things

and in his hands

my beating heart

he manipulated

twisted

turned

and lied

shredded her into bits

and told her she was whole

stomped on her tender core

while telling her she was his true love

and I believed him for so long

and trusted him

instead of me

and now I know

about his lies

and my heart is fallen

down the cliff

where he dropped it

broken

in a million bloody pieces

and sometimes I wish

I had kept her safe

and never let her out

and never loved at all.

em

1/16/2024

every dream is them

 I gave up every dream

every

dream

to become a mother

it wasn't my plan

I had so many dreams at 18

so many plans

and hopes 

but then one impossibility

and there she was

my first tiny girl

and I chose her

I chose her

and I gave up

travel

and college

and dating

and friends

and

all 

the 

things

because I knew I wanted her more

and then her brother came

and then another came

and finally I had them all

and I tried to keep their world intact

I tried to make it work

but I failed

and we broke their family

and I used all I was to hold them together

to keep them safe

and loved enough

and supported

and cared for

and given everything

to make up for the failing

to make up for making them divorced kids

like I had been

and I fought

I built bridges I didn't want

and forged friendships I didn't like

and made choices I thought best for them

choosing them

their joy

their safety

their future

ahead of all I wanted for myself

I chose them

and then I had their sister

not a mistake

but planned

to fill the soul of the man I loved

and she brought joy and hope

and restarted my mom clock from 18 back to 0

and now there were 4

and 36 years of raising kids

and I still chose them

and loved them first

and put them first

and built as bright a life for them as I could find

and when I had to burn it down

the bridges

and the friendships

I gave it up

I watched it burn

and even as I trembled and cried

I had no regret

to keep these children safe

I'd do it all again

and still

their dreams

their futures

their safety 

their health

I fight for it

I hope for it

I choose them

and now

just this once

I took this opportunity

for me

just this once

to do something for me

to put me first

to take a chance

a dream 

to travel

to live abroad 

for just two years

a job that I adore

a people that I love

a country that is so many good things

and now I wonder

if I can give it up

25 years I've been a mom

25 years I've come in last

25 years and I'm burned out

the guilt of it racks me

the want of my own life

the want of peace

to chase my dreams

those plans

from long ago

they never left

they are still there

silenced by years of neglect

as a mom, I was always trained the kids come first

as a mom, I always put them first

as a human, as a woman, I wonder

do I ever get to put me first?

And if I do,

what will I lose?

em

6/3/2023

April 29 2023

Here it is beautiful

the windows are open

the wind blowing in

I hear the sounds of the neighborhood

I feel the breeze

hear it whistle through the screens

whip my hair and blow the curtains

Spring is everywhere

and the muted afternoon sun

is bright on my skin

the room fresh and cheerful

and in this moment

in this place

I never want to leave

Home is beautiful

with great sunsets

and everyone I love

and when I think of it

it is hot

and humid

and 

I think I am trapped there

it is so hard to get away

so hard to leave

and I never want to go back

Does everyone live torn?

Does everyone live with half their heart here

and half their heart there?

Why can't I ever be whole?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have everything?

I can't think of a day

not even a moment

since I was 8 years old

that I was in a place I loved

and all the people I loved were too

Where I didn't have to choose

it is always a choice

and it is always hard

and I must always give up

something

or someone 

that I love

What would it be like

to live where I loved

with the people I loved

together

within driving distance of a family dinner?

I dream it

but it will never be

I must always choose

and someone will always lose

why must happiness

be so hard to find?

And why must joy

cause suffering?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have it all?

em

4/5/2023 Restless

 I feel restless 

inside

where I should feel calm and stable

instead I feel wiggly and bouncy

like something is shaking loose

and I can't figure out what it is

but I can't sit still

I find myself always longing for change

in the midst of this grand adventure

somehow I feel the need to do more

April 3

 

It is so hard

communicating

to say what I mean

and to understand what you mean

It is so hard

when your words click in my brain

and I understand

but then later you tell me I was wrong

you didn't mean the words you said

I misunderstood them

but it sounds like a lie to me

It is so hard

never knowing if I understand

or if I am losing my mind

or if this is a subterfuge

or if you actually mean what you say

I do not understand

how a lie can be as easy as breathing

how the words slip off your tongue

how I believe them

every time

even when I know they're lies

I believe you the next time

and forget about this time

until the next time

when I forgive and move on

forget and move on

accept and move on

but I'm tired of the lies

of the "getting over it"

of never knowing 

of never being sure

am I heard?

or understood?

It doesn't really matter

when all you say are lies

and I feel stupid

handled

manipulated

I scream

and you wonder what is wrong

and I am out of words

years of them

I spill my soul

I share it all

I do not lie

and if I did it would hurt me

to hurt you

but I accept that you lie

and misconstrue

and withhold

and manipulate

and I hurt

but I accept it

and get over it 

and move on

again

Image from Public domain

March 23, 2023 Sakura

People talk about the beauty of the sakura (cherry blossoms) here in Japan.  When I started doing student exchange about 12 years ago, I never thought I would be here to see it.

But I am.

And I was really excited.

And then I was like, "it's blooming flowers.  This is everywhere and it is beautiful everywhere. " So I figured it was overdone.

But now I am here.  

Driving down the road.

And I almost forget to watch where I am going

because these trees

that have been bare since I arrived in August

these trees that blended into the cityscape

have become brilliant, bright, beautiful

the bright white buds look so fragile

but they are still there after the rain

after the wind

clean and pure and precious

I feel like there is a lesson to be learned here.

I am amazed at how much they amaze me

My favorite one so far is on the way to work

it is on base

on the side of the road in from Womble Gate

in the front yard of one of the officer's homes

the tree is huge

dark and twisty

with bright white blooms rising like the top of a cauliflower

like a bowl of freshly popped popcorn

like an umbrella of unfurling life

and I, who miss the azaleas of East Texas,

find myself inspired by their glory.

Forgotten words

 And I forgot about this blog.  Forgot about my goal to write just a few lines a day.  And the last week my mind has been so full of ideas, and I was wishing I had somewhere easy I could throw them so I wouldn't forget I had them, and then I remembered here.  So here I am.

Living alone in a foreign land with only my husband and daughter

14 hours ahead and living a different day than everyone else I know

3 months out from seeing my family with 3 more months to go

traveling every chance I can to keep busy and keep the missing away

second class citizens on base without access to health care

OTC meds are even hard to find at the commissary

unable to communicate well with the locals because the language barrier is strong

understanding what immigrants face and building compassion for them every day

knowing what it feels like to be illiterate and the struggles it causes in everything

missing my babies so much it aches

adventuring and planning and traveling

Today we missed a baby shower for grand baby number 3

my daughter called and I saw all their faces

smiling, happy, together

And I loved to see them and it filled my heart with light and joy and filled my eyes with tears

And I am here with the same conflict of the last 33 years-

I cannot have everything I want

the people I love will never all live near each other

the children I love will never leave East Texas

I will never be able to live in one place with all the people I love in a place that I love

and moving here has taught me, finally and forever

that my kids are still my heart and I will choose to live with them

no matter who else I will miss

and no matter what hell they choose to stay in

I will be there