The first time I got married
I don't think I ever gave my heart
not all of it
I never fell
I never was in love with him,
I'm pretty sure
I was just in love with the way he treated me
I was a selfish, spoiled girl
and let him love me
and then I had my daughter
and I gave her my heart instead
and after two more babies
my heart was full of them
and I knew what love felt like
and I realized I didn't love him like I should
that my heart had never fallen
it seemed so sad
and then
and then I met the second man I married
and I gave him my heart
slowly
I didn't fall like off a cliff
but through little things
I gave him more each day
and eventually
I felt safe
and home
and loved
and I opened up my chest
and poured my heart out into his hands
and trusted him with all of me
all that I am
all that I felt
all that I dreamed
and he took my heart into his hands
saying words of love
words of kindness and giving
all the words my soul ached for
he said all the right things
and in his hands
my beating heart
he manipulated
twisted
turned
and lied
shredded her into bits
and told her she was whole
stomped on her tender core
while telling her she was his true love
and I believed him for so long
and trusted him
instead of me
and now I know
about his lies
and my heart is fallen
down the cliff
where he dropped it
broken
in a million bloody pieces
and sometimes I wish
I had kept her safe
and never let her out
and never loved at all.
em
1/16/2024
