every dream is them

 I gave up every dream

every

dream

to become a mother

it wasn't my plan

I had so many dreams at 18

so many plans

and hopes 

but then one impossibility

and there she was

my first tiny girl

and I chose her

I chose her

and I gave up

travel

and college

and dating

and friends

and

all 

the 

things

because I knew I wanted her more

and then her brother came

and then another came

and finally I had them all

and I tried to keep their world intact

I tried to make it work

but I failed

and we broke their family

and I used all I was to hold them together

to keep them safe

and loved enough

and supported

and cared for

and given everything

to make up for the failing

to make up for making them divorced kids

like I had been

and I fought

I built bridges I didn't want

and forged friendships I didn't like

and made choices I thought best for them

choosing them

their joy

their safety

their future

ahead of all I wanted for myself

I chose them

and then I had their sister

not a mistake

but planned

to fill the soul of the man I loved

and she brought joy and hope

and restarted my mom clock from 18 back to 0

and now there were 4

and 36 years of raising kids

and I still chose them

and loved them first

and put them first

and built as bright a life for them as I could find

and when I had to burn it down

the bridges

and the friendships

I gave it up

I watched it burn

and even as I trembled and cried

I had no regret

to keep these children safe

I'd do it all again

and still

their dreams

their futures

their safety 

their health

I fight for it

I hope for it

I choose them

and now

just this once

I took this opportunity

for me

just this once

to do something for me

to put me first

to take a chance

a dream 

to travel

to live abroad 

for just two years

a job that I adore

a people that I love

a country that is so many good things

and now I wonder

if I can give it up

25 years I've been a mom

25 years I've come in last

25 years and I'm burned out

the guilt of it racks me

the want of my own life

the want of peace

to chase my dreams

those plans

from long ago

they never left

they are still there

silenced by years of neglect

as a mom, I was always trained the kids come first

as a mom, I always put them first

as a human, as a woman, I wonder

do I ever get to put me first?

And if I do,

what will I lose?

em

6/3/2023