April 29 2023

Here it is beautiful

the windows are open

the wind blowing in

I hear the sounds of the neighborhood

I feel the breeze

hear it whistle through the screens

whip my hair and blow the curtains

Spring is everywhere

and the muted afternoon sun

is bright on my skin

the room fresh and cheerful

and in this moment

in this place

I never want to leave

Home is beautiful

with great sunsets

and everyone I love

and when I think of it

it is hot

and humid

and 

I think I am trapped there

it is so hard to get away

so hard to leave

and I never want to go back

Does everyone live torn?

Does everyone live with half their heart here

and half their heart there?

Why can't I ever be whole?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have everything?

I can't think of a day

not even a moment

since I was 8 years old

that I was in a place I loved

and all the people I loved were too

Where I didn't have to choose

it is always a choice

and it is always hard

and I must always give up

something

or someone 

that I love

What would it be like

to live where I loved

with the people I loved

together

within driving distance of a family dinner?

I dream it

but it will never be

I must always choose

and someone will always lose

why must happiness

be so hard to find?

And why must joy

cause suffering?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have it all?

em

4/5/2023 Restless

 I feel restless 

inside

where I should feel calm and stable

instead I feel wiggly and bouncy

like something is shaking loose

and I can't figure out what it is

but I can't sit still

I find myself always longing for change

in the midst of this grand adventure

somehow I feel the need to do more

April 3

 

It is so hard

communicating

to say what I mean

and to understand what you mean

It is so hard

when your words click in my brain

and I understand

but then later you tell me I was wrong

you didn't mean the words you said

I misunderstood them

but it sounds like a lie to me

It is so hard

never knowing if I understand

or if I am losing my mind

or if this is a subterfuge

or if you actually mean what you say

I do not understand

how a lie can be as easy as breathing

how the words slip off your tongue

how I believe them

every time

even when I know they're lies

I believe you the next time

and forget about this time

until the next time

when I forgive and move on

forget and move on

accept and move on

but I'm tired of the lies

of the "getting over it"

of never knowing 

of never being sure

am I heard?

or understood?

It doesn't really matter

when all you say are lies

and I feel stupid

handled

manipulated

I scream

and you wonder what is wrong

and I am out of words

years of them

I spill my soul

I share it all

I do not lie

and if I did it would hurt me

to hurt you

but I accept that you lie

and misconstrue

and withhold

and manipulate

and I hurt

but I accept it

and get over it 

and move on

again

Image from Public domain

March 23, 2023 Sakura

People talk about the beauty of the sakura (cherry blossoms) here in Japan.  When I started doing student exchange about 12 years ago, I never thought I would be here to see it.

But I am.

And I was really excited.

And then I was like, "it's blooming flowers.  This is everywhere and it is beautiful everywhere. " So I figured it was overdone.

But now I am here.  

Driving down the road.

And I almost forget to watch where I am going

because these trees

that have been bare since I arrived in August

these trees that blended into the cityscape

have become brilliant, bright, beautiful

the bright white buds look so fragile

but they are still there after the rain

after the wind

clean and pure and precious

I feel like there is a lesson to be learned here.

I am amazed at how much they amaze me

My favorite one so far is on the way to work

it is on base

on the side of the road in from Womble Gate

in the front yard of one of the officer's homes

the tree is huge

dark and twisty

with bright white blooms rising like the top of a cauliflower

like a bowl of freshly popped popcorn

like an umbrella of unfurling life

and I, who miss the azaleas of East Texas,

find myself inspired by their glory.

Forgotten words

 And I forgot about this blog.  Forgot about my goal to write just a few lines a day.  And the last week my mind has been so full of ideas, and I was wishing I had somewhere easy I could throw them so I wouldn't forget I had them, and then I remembered here.  So here I am.

Living alone in a foreign land with only my husband and daughter

14 hours ahead and living a different day than everyone else I know

3 months out from seeing my family with 3 more months to go

traveling every chance I can to keep busy and keep the missing away

second class citizens on base without access to health care

OTC meds are even hard to find at the commissary

unable to communicate well with the locals because the language barrier is strong

understanding what immigrants face and building compassion for them every day

knowing what it feels like to be illiterate and the struggles it causes in everything

missing my babies so much it aches

adventuring and planning and traveling

Today we missed a baby shower for grand baby number 3

my daughter called and I saw all their faces

smiling, happy, together

And I loved to see them and it filled my heart with light and joy and filled my eyes with tears

And I am here with the same conflict of the last 33 years-

I cannot have everything I want

the people I love will never all live near each other

the children I love will never leave East Texas

I will never be able to live in one place with all the people I love in a place that I love

and moving here has taught me, finally and forever

that my kids are still my heart and I will choose to live with them

no matter who else I will miss

and no matter what hell they choose to stay in

I will be there

August 28, 2021

 Right now, I do not hurt.  And it is the first day out of the last four that I still feel okay by 3pm.  I hate hurting.  I hate being incapable of doing anything useful.  I hate the state of my house when I cannot take care of it.  I am so tired.

Photographs

 Looking for pictures for my son's project

I pull out the large tub full of photos. 

These photos span from my childhood through now- though most of the pictures from the last 12 years are on discs or flashdrives or digitally live inside the cloud.

For 20 years my tub has changed, and the photos have been transfered and moved and squeezed in.  My tub has been dumped out by children and reorganized by them too.

One photo envelope may contain a picture of me when I was 10, a picture of me with my daughter at 19, and pictures of a family trip with all my children when I was 25.  

Looking at my life all jumbled up brings such a strange array of emotions.

It is like 10 year old me is living with 18 year old, pregnant and getting married me and 28 year old getting divorced and trying to hold it together for 3 little kids me.  And I don't like them all together.  It is awkward, like the stages of my life have all been laid out on a timeline and this box of photos has squished them all together like time has become an accordian.  

Why can't my mind wrap around it?  It is ridiculous.  They are just pictures.  And yet I am disturbed and haunted by their mingling.  

I doubt that me at 12 would recognize the me of today.  But I also see that 17 year old me would be horrified to see 19 year old me.  

Life didn't turn out how I planned.  And even though I say (and believe) that my life turned out well and I am happy with who I am and what I have, I still don't like to live with the pain this knowledge would do to who I was.  I would have broken my own heart and destroyed all the beautiful dreams I dreamed.  And those dreams, those dreams my innocent girl heart dreamt, those are the dreams that got me through the rough times.  It was believing in what I could be that kept me fighting when things got out of hand.  

Not long ago, at a self-care workshop, the presenter blew my mind when she said, "you have never been alone.  You have always been with you.  You have to take care of yourself because you are the only person who has always been there for you and always will be."  

I will take care of little Emily.  She is still in here.  I will take care of young and struggling and so in love with her children Emily too.  And I will fight for broken and damaged and drowning in life Emily always.  And I will love who Emily is today because I am worth it.  I am worth every stage, every joy, every dream, every sorrow, every fear and every moment I have lived.

I may not like to see them in accordian form, but really, all of the Emilys I have ever been are here with me, and they have made me who I am.