April 29 2023

Here it is beautiful

the windows are open

the wind blowing in

I hear the sounds of the neighborhood

I feel the breeze

hear it whistle through the screens

whip my hair and blow the curtains

Spring is everywhere

and the muted afternoon sun

is bright on my skin

the room fresh and cheerful

and in this moment

in this place

I never want to leave

Home is beautiful

with great sunsets

and everyone I love

and when I think of it

it is hot

and humid

and 

I think I am trapped there

it is so hard to get away

so hard to leave

and I never want to go back

Does everyone live torn?

Does everyone live with half their heart here

and half their heart there?

Why can't I ever be whole?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have everything?

I can't think of a day

not even a moment

since I was 8 years old

that I was in a place I loved

and all the people I loved were too

Where I didn't have to choose

it is always a choice

and it is always hard

and I must always give up

something

or someone 

that I love

What would it be like

to live where I loved

with the people I loved

together

within driving distance of a family dinner?

I dream it

but it will never be

I must always choose

and someone will always lose

why must happiness

be so hard to find?

And why must joy

cause suffering?

Why can't I, just for a moment,

have it all?

em

4/5/2023 Restless

 I feel restless 

inside

where I should feel calm and stable

instead I feel wiggly and bouncy

like something is shaking loose

and I can't figure out what it is

but I can't sit still

I find myself always longing for change

in the midst of this grand adventure

somehow I feel the need to do more

April 3

 

It is so hard

communicating

to say what I mean

and to understand what you mean

It is so hard

when your words click in my brain

and I understand

but then later you tell me I was wrong

you didn't mean the words you said

I misunderstood them

but it sounds like a lie to me

It is so hard

never knowing if I understand

or if I am losing my mind

or if this is a subterfuge

or if you actually mean what you say

I do not understand

how a lie can be as easy as breathing

how the words slip off your tongue

how I believe them

every time

even when I know they're lies

I believe you the next time

and forget about this time

until the next time

when I forgive and move on

forget and move on

accept and move on

but I'm tired of the lies

of the "getting over it"

of never knowing 

of never being sure

am I heard?

or understood?

It doesn't really matter

when all you say are lies

and I feel stupid

handled

manipulated

I scream

and you wonder what is wrong

and I am out of words

years of them

I spill my soul

I share it all

I do not lie

and if I did it would hurt me

to hurt you

but I accept that you lie

and misconstrue

and withhold

and manipulate

and I hurt

but I accept it

and get over it 

and move on

again

Image from Public domain